SOUTH BURLINGTON – President Trump, responding to criticism from Vermonters regarding the plan to base F-35 jets in South Burlington, has announced a new mission for the Air National Guard that will eliminate the noisy fighters and replace them with much louder Space Attack Vehicles (SAVs).
These SAVs are expected to be based at the Burlington International Airport no later than 2021 and will have a maximum sound level of 178 dBA at takeoff, more than 64 times louder than the cancelled F-35s. Sound volumes at this level will render all of Chittenden County uninhabitable, but Burlington Mayor Miro Weinberger feels that this is a small price to pay for a move that will save dozens of jobs, and also, as Weinbeger said in a press briefing, “Spaceships!”
Chittenden County residents are not happy with the plan, which will cause the loss of their homes and jobs, but rural Vermonters give the SAVs a 72% approval rating, most often citing “potential space war with New Hampshire” as their reason for welcoming the new mission. Space Guard members themselves approve of the plan unanimously, with 100% identifying as “very happy” with the SAVs. Out of those 100% who identified as “very happy,” 82% gave a reason of “Spaceships!”