South Canada – A bipartisan coalition of U.S. governors have the small nation of South Canada concerned after recently announcing new measures that would regulate dirt. South Canada shares a border with the state of Vermont, whose governor was one of 17 that pledged to fight climate change by policing dirt. South Canada uses dirt as its main form of currency, and officials are questioning how these proposed policies will affect their economy.
“I’m not sure what they’re trying to do to their dirt over there,” said South Canadian Treasury Secretary Alan Fletcher, “but we share a border with the United States, and specifically Vermont, which we recently escaped from, and their dirt is touching our dirt. I don’t know exactly what their dirt is worth, but our dirt is worth a lot of dirt, and if their potentially devalued dirt gets mixed in with our pure South Canadian dirt, well, they might end up owing us a significant amount of dirt.”
South Canadians organized a protest last weekend over the U.S. pledge to keep the carbon stored in dirt right where it is. Holding signs reading “We Don’t Want Your Dirty Dirt” and “Don’t Hurt Dirt,” the protesters marched to the U.S. border and then quickly back to the center of town for pie and coffee.
“I was keepin’ an eye on things,” said Defense Secretary Brad Wetherby. “It broke up pretty quickly, owing to the cold weather. When this was part of Vermont I don’t remember it getting this cold so early, but the weather is much colder up here in South Canada.”
Vermont Governor Phil Scott responded to the concerns by assuring South Canada that no actual proposals to prevent climate change will ever actually be passed or implemented, due to the general disdain for human life held by the majority of U.S. politicians. “And if they don’t care about the humans,” Scott said, “they sure as heck don’t care about the rest of the planet.”