Randolph Considers Non-Human Officers After Entire Police Force Quits

RANDOLPH – In the wake of the departure of Randolph’s entire six-person police force, town manager Randy Ulf announced that he and the select board were considering “non-human methods of law enforcement. He already said he’s been approached by Dora Deere. Deere, taking a cue from her colleagues up in Burlington who have become crossing guards to avoid being hunted, has aggressively pursued the possibility of local antlered quadrupeds enforcing order. Despite her persistence, town official Alder Mann has voiced serious reservations regarding the proposal. “I just feel like the flashing lights on top of our vehicles would have our hoofed cops frozen like, well, deer in the headlights.”

Lifelong town resident Lisa Poe advocated for the use of drones. After getting the gun-control contingent riled, Poe changed her mind to say that she favored the use of drone worker bees, instead of military drones. “Bees are very good at covering long distances quickly and speaking to each other in complex movements that lets their friends know they’ve found flowers to pollinate. Bees already have swiftness and the ability to use secret code, both of which are essential skills for police officers.”

The most outrageous solution to the lack of police has come from an avid mystery buff who lists her occupation as “mad scientist.” In combining literature with lab procedures, Emmylou Whodunnit, is trying to bring a character to life beyond the book. She’s in talks with popular Vermont author Archer Mayor, whose stalwart protagonist Joe Gunther has cracked many cases. Gunther’s creator, Mayor worries about the usefulness of a 3D protagonist in today’s fast-changing world. “Gunther may have a breakdown outside of the context of his books, and I can’t see how a broken Joe would help the struggling town of Randolph.”

Citizens will have a referendum on Town Meeting Day to determine which of the above candidates can most effectively police Randolph.

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