Church Street Marketplace to Be Replaced With Time Travel Facility

BURLINGTON – On the heels of the collapse of the City Place project, Burlington City Council has approved demolition of Church Street Marketplace, to be replaced with a combination time travel and teleportation park. City Council member Shirley Sirius said the decision had been made after weeks of talks with development company Time-Sux. “It’s a great day for Burlington,” Sirius said. “Don’t like the new Church Street? Fine, go back to whatever decade you liked it best. Me personally? I like it best next week after we start tearing sutff down. I mean, we’re basically giving the finger to time and space. How badass are we?”

Demolition of the heart of downtown is slated to begin November 21. When asked if City Council was concerned about the loss of businesses, housing, and holiday retail income for the city, Sirius replied, “Are you kidding? Once this project is completed, we’ll have all of time and space at our disposal. That’s going to more than make up for any losses incurred in the interim. We’re talking serious geek cred.” She added that City Council was not particularly concerned that Time-Sux had not as yet secured the necessary financing for the project, nor that research on both time travel and teleportation are as yet not at the necessary level for the project to be feasible.

“The great thing about this contract,” added councilman Christopher Carbuncle, “is that even if Time-Sux fails to comply with the timeline spelled out in the agreement, once the project is finished, we can go back in time and renegotiate terms that better reflect how things turned out.” Carbuncle was also enthusiastic about the number of jobs in the teleportation and time travel industries that will be open once the project is completed, and once both industries have reached a level of success allowing for the necessary training programs to come into existence. “Basically everybody wins, eventually.” he said. ” I’m bored with this conversation. Where’s my Valium?”

Speaking before the City Council Wednesday evening, Time-Sux spokesperson Nikki Flim-Flam spoke passionately about the benefits of the project, saying, “Would you hurry up and give us the permits already? We want to blow stuff up. I get to activate the detonator, Gary said so.” When asked to clarify who Gary was, as no one in the room was named Gary, Flim-Flam said, “Church Street go boom!”

In a separate statement, Mayor Myron Weisauss acknowledge that the project had been under discussion for several months. “We wanted to wait and tell people about it once we were ready to have everything stall. I’m guessing there’ll be a giant smoking crater in the middle of downtown for the next six months or so, and we wanted to make sure that was going to happen before going public. No sense telling people until we’re really sure we’ll piss off everybody, am I right? Hey, did you see that Flim-Flam girl? What a knockout!”

The park is expected to open in July of 2019, but City Council and Time-Sux representatives have acknowledged that no one is too concerned about meeting the terms of this deadline. “We’ll figure it out!” said Sirius. “We’ve got time!” “Mmmm, and space,” slurred Carbuncle.

Flim-Flam said Time-Sux expects to begin the process of “figuring out this time travel nonsense” as soon as the last of the debris has been scraped out of the former downtown. “That process alone could take months. Or years. Whatever.”

City Council is advising all downtown residents and business owners to evacuate the area as soon as possible.

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