Canadian Border Agents Caught Consuming Confiscated Contraband

QUEBEC – When travelling from the U.S. to Canada, and vice versa, certain items cannot pass between borders for fear of bringing contagion. Many of these prohibited items are perishable foodstuffs, and The Winooski recently became aware that maple syrup and ice cream are apparently banned from going between nations. On her way back from doing something illegal in the States but ok to do if you’re up north, a slightly drunk Brandy Drinkwine, 18, discovered that some items confiscated by Canadian officers were being not destroyed, but consumed. “I was like waiting forever at the border, and I was the only car there. So I get out of my car to see if anybody’s in the office, and what I saw was horrifying,” said Drinkwine.

“What’s so scary about pouring syrup on Ben and Jerry’s?” border agent Pierre La Glace asked her, wiping his sticky hands before licking out his bowl.

“We’re supposed to throw out contraband,” added his companion Barry Straw, guzzling some pure Vermont Grade-A amber liquid straight from the bottle. But it’s the middle of the night at a border crossing in East Overshoe, Quebec, eh?”

“And all our friends our partying. What’s a Canuck to do to keep from being bored out in the middle of nowhere?” La Glace asked.

Canadian Border Patrol did not return our request for comment, but we did receive a nice fruit basket.

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