White House to Text New U2 Album To All U.S. Citizens This Afternoon

WASHINGTON DC – In a partnership that President Trump is calling “the best partnership in the history of America ever,” the White House will be using its new text alert system to send a copy of U2’s newest album “Orwell” to the cell phone of every American citizen. Bono has previously criticized the Trump administration, but says he “can’t miss an opportunity to get the music out to as many people as possible.”

For those Americans who do not have cell phones capable of playing music albums, ICE agents have been tasked with the job of chasing them down and handing them a physical copy on CD. In the rare cases of the few Americans who do not own a CD player or computer, President Trump has ordered all federal judges who have ever voted Democrat to take the month off and follow those people around while singing the album loudly at them.

The federal government will reportedly be paying the band one dollar for each successful delivery, costing the United States upwards of $300 million, causing some to question the financial wisdom of such a plan. Trump responded to concerns by saying that it was “the best deal ever for America, including the Louisiana Purchase,” and referenced how many electoral votes he received in 2016 as proof.

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