We Tried to Get Bernie’s Staffers to Write an Anonymous Editorial, but They All Really Like Him So It Came Out Super Boring

WASHINGTON DC – The New York Times made a big splash with its op-ed from an anonymous member of the Trump administration, and that got us Winooski writers thinking, if the NYT can do it, why can’t we? So I reached out to several prominent members of Senator Bernie Sanders’s staff, and asked them to dish out all their juiciest drama. The results were shocking. Shockingly boring.

“I can’t do that,” responded one Bernie staffer. “I really like working for Bernie. I’m not going to write an editorial slamming him.”

When I asked about Bernie’s behavior in private meetings, the responses were equally dull. “He’s basically the same in private as he is on TV,” said one lame suck-up working for the senator. “I don’t think he has anything to hide. He goes on lots of monologues about income disparity. Gets kind of cranky about global injustices sometimes. Everybody knows what to expect when they sign up to work for him.”

“I needed to take some time off to care for my sick mother, and Bernie was so understanding,” said one staffer. Well la-di-freakin’-da. We get it, you like Bernie. But some of us are trying to chase fame with a shocking op-ed, and you’re really killing the mood.

I was starting to get frustrated. “So you’re telling me that none of you are working from within to frustrate Bernie’s agenda?” I asked the staffers. “None of you are engaged in any sabotage?”

“Why would we do that?” asked a brown-nosing goody-two-shoes who serves as Bernie’s environmental liaison (if you wanted to stay anonymous, you shouldn’t have been such a little dweeb, Katie). “If any of us ever disagree with the senator’s policies, we’ll bring it up to him, and he’ll consider our feedback. We don’t need to do any of this spy stuff.”

They say not to count your chickens before they hatch, but I’ll admit, when doing the prep work for this op-ed, I had begun to picture myself winning the Pulitzer. The award is handed to me, I do a short speech, thank my colleagues at The Winooski, and soliloquize about the cruciality of investigative journalism. The crowd gives me a standing ovation. I can see my family, cheering from the audience. They’re proud of me. It’s that image that kept me going. But with each stupid interview with Bernie’s stupid loyal team of stupid public servants, this dream was receding further and further into the distance.

And then a Bernie staffer dropped a major bombshell. “You know,” said this bearer of incredible news, “If you’re looking to publish a scathing op-ed, you might want to talk to some of Phil Scott’s staff. A lot of people really don’t like him.”

Sometimes, the path to the truth is paved with challenges. It veers wildly in directions none of us could ever predict. So Bernie’s staff is filled with boring scrotes who think he’s a stand-up guy. Who would’ve thought? But it’s okay–after some revisions to my plans, I’m back on track. I’m on my way to the State House, and I’m going to dig up one hell of an op-ed about Governor Scott. Stay tuned!

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