Black Bear to Run Against Gov. Scott in Primary

WARREN – A black bear by the name of Teeth Grrrrn has emerged to challenge Vermont Governor Phil Scott as a late entry in the primary race. The state’s primary election will be held next week, and the sitting governor is facing an unusual degree of opposition from his own party as the voters prepare to choose who will be on the ballot in November. Grrrrn, who describes his politics as “libeartarian,” says that he can’t sit idly by any longer and watch Gov. Scott ruin the state.

“I really just couldn’t bear it any longer, if you’ll excuse the pun,” Grrrrn said earlier this week. “The governor has lost the bear vote completely, and it’s time we had someone in Montpelier who cared about the important issues, like bear food, and people not giving bears their bear food.”

A rash of vandalism by black bears recently is due, according to Grrrrn, to a failing system in which bears are not permitted to enter people’s homes and vehicles to forage for food. He says that bear food is his number one campaign priority, and he will not rest until it is available to all bears in the state. When asked to define “bear food,” Grrrrn listed items such as honeycomb, berries, various roots, fish, anything from McDonald’s, fruit, anything a human is eating, live chickens, vehicle upholstery, anything in a garbage can, and delicious insects.

“Bears need to eat. Humans have been slowly destroying our natural food supply, while at the same time creating the most wonderful bear food, filled with salt, sugar, and preservatives, and then not giving any of it to us! It’s a cruel system, but one that I hope to change once I’m governor. Phil can’t win without the bear vote, and I have cross-party appeal.”

Grrrrn declared himself pro-business and anti-taxes, but stopped short of criticizing new gun laws, saying only that he would reveal his stance on guns and hunting after the election.

Image Credits: Seven Days.

Liked it? Take a second to support The Winooski on Patreon!

Be the first to comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.


*