WASHINGTON DC – US President Donald “The Donald” Trump has appointed local Vermont sea monster Champ to fill the role of Director of the Environmental Protection Agency. With so many cabinet members recently stepping down, being fired, or mysteriously disappearing, Trump has had to spend most of his non-golf time appointing new people, although recently he has shied away from people as appointees in favor of monsters, ghouls, and undead creatures of the night.
White House press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders memorably defended the decision to appoint the Creature from the Black Lagoon as Secretary of Agriculture, saying “What better way to drain the swamp than with an actual swamp creature? I guarantee you, everyone in the swamp is scared of this guy.”
With Dracula as Secretary of State, an evil Leprechaun as Secretary of the Treasury, and the ice zombie Night King as Secretary of Health, some question whether Champ will be able to fit in as he heads to Washington. Frankenstein’s Monster, the new Energy Secretary, groaned concerns about the latest appointment, but Champ says he isn’t worried about working with his new colleagues.
“Look, I was appointed for a reason,” Champ told The Winooski. “I sat down with the president and told him how concerned I was with the environment, specifically the lakes and rivers, and that I was tired of swimming in poop and algae. I said it was time to clean up this planet. He asked me what my plan was, and I told him that, after years of avoiding the problem, hiding out, and doing a lot of thinking, I’ve decided the only solution would be to eradicate all human life on earth. And he just smiled and said ‘You’re hired!’ I’m not worried about fitting in down in Washington. I think I’ll have a lot of allies.”
Champ starts work next week, as he arrives for an initial meeting with new Education Secretary Agatha Trunchbull.