America Holds Last Independence Day Celebration Before Second Civil War

RUTLAND – Vermonters all across the state joined in with millions of Americans to celebrate the final birthday of what had been known as the “United States.” With a civil war slated to begin after the fireworks, conservatives and liberals stopped accusing each other of ruining the country for a few moments and came together to admire just how far the country had come in its 242 years, knowing that they would shortly be at each other’s throats in a desperate battle for control of the once-strong nation.

An uneasy tension hung in the air as Rutland area residents gathered at the Vermont State Fairgrounds to set up for the fireworks display. Sideways glances and nervous laughter filled the air as neighbors and friends wondered which side they would all be on in the morning. “We’re just trying to enjoy it,” said one man, holding a balloon colored like the U.S. flag, “seeing as how it’s probably the last one.”

Burlington residents, having celebrated the night before, were already stockpiling weapons in preparation for the impending conflict. Republicans were gathering guns and ammunition in their bunkers which have stood ready for years in case of this very thing. Democrats were gathering all of their righteous indignation and condescension, hoping against hope that it would be enough as they reviewed their talking points. Both sides were nervous, as they took short breaks from war preparation to attend family cook-outs with enemy combatants.

“I’m not sure when the dems are going to attack, but I know it’ll be soon,” said a woman in cut-off jean shorts and a halter top walking down Church Street carrying a semi-automatic rifle. “Been waiting for this a long time, and as soon as they start the war, I’m gonna shoot a hole in they’re plans.”

“*Their,” said a young man in khaki shorts and a polo shirt, brandishing his most powerful weapon. By midnight the bullets and arrogance will be flying in full force, but for today, for one final July 4th, we will try to be Americans one last time.

Image Credits: Plimtuna.

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11 Comments

  1. @ Rick: Um, dude, that should be “‘too’ hot”, you need to put two ‘o’s in too, you used too few. Russ Ford/ South Canadian Mounted Grammar Patrol.

    • OOPS! I do know (no) better. Gotta love people who keep you on the straight and narrow.
      Too hot to type too. Even in the AC.
      Thanks!

  2. Well, since this is Vermont, it’s probably going to take folks a while to get started. Somebody’ll forget something and have to make a trip to get it, and everybody else will wait around out of politeness. There’ll be a discussion about whether the boundaries are marked right, and a bunch of the guys will get out a transit to check. Then they’ll have a discussion about whether they remembered to take into account the old elm that used to be there. The church ladies will decide to go ahead and bake some extra brownies because these days people don’t eat much hardtack. I figure by the time eveyone runs out of things to do, it’ll be time to get in the fall hay, and start putting apples in storage, and canning and freezing. That’ll blow this year, cause ain’t no way much is going to happen in winter. Either it will snow or it won’t, and both are good times for winter chores. And reading. Time to cut firewood for the next winter, too. So… spring. Well, you know. Plowing. Haying. Planting. Mowing lawns. We’ll have to wait for the next 4th of July. And by then everyone will be ready for another good party. We could postpone war indefinitely if we do it right. (Do I get a Pulitzer for this?)

  3. Got nothing to do in this heat but think up odd-ball
    stories. Getting tired of telling them to myself.

    What’s “pay”? I don’t recognize that term…

  4. I marched and patrolled Sector R on the South Canada border all day in my helmet, gas mask, and hip boots and none of them weenies from Unite the Right ever showed up. Bastids.

  5. @Annie, while it is plain that you have a good grasp of what’s important in life, I am doubting that you are a real Vermonta, seeing as how you failed to mention that spring is heralded by getting the taps in and attending town meetin’. Nothing can happen in Vermont, not plowin’ hayin’ and mowin’ and certainly not a civil war unless we have all had a chance to amend the amendment to the first amendment, and get our serious stash of sugar put by, first.
    See you at the pancake breakfast, where we should find Lenny-t by the cider donuts and ask for an update status on Sector R.

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