University of South Canada Grants Honorary Doctorates to All Citizens

SOUTH CANADA – In an unusual move, the country of South Canada’s only higher learning institution, The University of South Canada (USC) has granted honorary doctorates to all of its citizens. USC has only been in existence for 38 days and, up until now, had not granted any degrees or graduated any students. A large ceremony was held for the conferring of the doctorates, and each graduate was permitted to choose what their honorary degree should be for.

“I got me a degree in donuts!” said Dr. Buck Ledent. “Now everybody gotta call me Dr. Donuts. And I figure I can probably get a better job now that I got this paper right here.”

University president Beth O’Brien, formerly the principal of Richford Junior Senior High School, says that she decided to confer the degrees after consultation with her board, and feels that the move is the right decision for both the school and the students. “The one thing you need to understand about academia,” O’Brien said, “is that the least important part is learning and knowledge. What matters is prestige. What we need as a school is to have as many people as possible out there with degrees from the University of South Canada, applying for jobs, doing good work, and building up our reputation. And what students need is a degree that says ‘USC’ on it. Employers aren’t going to care which USC it’s from, or how much their employees learned. They care about the piece of paper. Well, now everyone in the country has one. We’ve leveled the playing field a bit.”

The chair of the USC Board of Directors confirmed the plan, saying that the plan to give all citizens a degree meant that the best and brightest would have their shot to rise to greater things, and bring the name of USC along with them, while the lesser qualifies recipients probably wouldn’t tarnish the name that much, as they would mostly be hanging around town anyway. The citizens of South Canada have so far been pleased with the initiative, although it remains to be seen if these degrees will ever translate in any way to meaningful work and fulfilling careers.

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