SACRAMENTO, CA – In a devastating printing error, the names of every registered voter in the state of Vermont were added to the rolls in California’s primary election yesterday, causing accusations of voting fraud and intense partisan bickering. This gaffe comes at a moment in history when conspiracy theorists already have their sights set on uncovering massive non-existent voter fraud, making this particular error especially troubling.
“This proves what we’ve been saying all along,” said GOP representative Trey Cherry. “California, which had a real possibility of flipping red tonight, has added almost 500,000 names from an extremely blue state to its ballot. Honestly, any democratic votes should be discounted at this point, and then we’ll see who wins between Republicans and independents. It’s the only fair way to do it.”
The ballots were printed by the Scranton, PA branch of a New York-based paper company that handles ballot printing for both states, and a spokesman for the company confirmed the error. “Yes, there was a little mix-up,” said the regional manager over the phone, “but it wasn’t that big of a deal. How many people can Vermont have? A couple hundred? A couple thousand? California’s huge! It’s pretty much the biggest ever. That’s what she said! So yeah, a tiny little database got mixed into a ginormous database. I’m surprised anyone even noticed, and that, good sir, is on you.”
California voting officials were quick to downplay the seriousness of the situation, pointing out that, statistically, the Vermont votes would not be significant, and also asserting that Vermonters do not have a quick and easy way to get to California. “I think we’re looking at a few dozens votes at most here, if any,” said California voting commissioner Corazon Sangrando. “With the time difference, once news got out about the issue, both flights leaving BTV airport had left for the day, meaning it would be almost impossible for anyone from the state to make it to a polling place in time to cast a ballot. If any Vermonters were already in California, sure, they could have voted, but we have both lists now, so anyone from Vermont who did cast a ballot will have that ballot expunged. There’s no voter fraud here. Just a simple printing error.”
The impact this will have on the election, and American politics in general, will be seen over the coming months as voters prepare to vote in November’s mid-term elections. No one has been fired yet at the printing company, although executives say they are looking into the problem. The Scranton office’s regional manager has said that, were disciplinary action to be taken against him, he would consider a run for president in 2020 so that he could pardon himself.