South Canada Cancels Plans for NFL Expansion Team After Anthem Decision

SOUTH CANADA – After the recent decision by the National Football League (NFL) that it would fine teams if players did not stand for the playing of the national anthem, the country of South Canada has rescinded its application that would have seen the construction of a massive stadium and the addition of a new team, tentatively called the “Dirtbags.” The new facility was intended to bring in much-needed tourist money during the “down season” of November through September. South Canada’s biggest tourism dirtbags come during foliage season.

“We definitely needed the dirtbags,” said Allan Fletcher, the South Canadian Secretary of the Treasury. “The White House has relaxed some of the rules preventing Americans from coming into South Canada, but we still aren’t seeing a lot of dirt from our neighbors to the south. This would have brought in a lot of dirt, but with this new ruling it just isn’t worth it to us. We do have some national pride.”

One of the biggest issues is the fact that part of the South Canadian anthem involves kneeling and playing air guitar, and there has been no clarification on if this would be allowed under the new ruling. Members of the South Canada Dirtbags, the team being named after a larger unit of South Canadian currency, would be expected to kneel during the exciting parts of the anthem, but with this new development it may be culturally impossible to bring a team to the small country.

“I’m disappointed of course,” said President Charlene “Skunk” Bedard, “’cause I love football, but to say kneeling is disrespectful? Come on guys, do better. Kneeling is a prayer, kneeling is a form of submission, kneeling is what you do in sports when someone’s been hurt, and most importantly it’s what you do when you are rocking out really hard to a sweet air guitar solo. To call it disrespectful, nuh uh. Screw those guys. Maybe we’ll start our own sports league up here.”

The NFL had no comment on South Canada’s decision, other than to say it had received the application and assumed it had been a joke.

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