SOUTH CANADA – In a controversial move, both the Senate and the House of Representatives in South Canada have approved an increase in the minimum wage, from one scoop of dirt per hour to two scoops. This doubling of the current minimum wage has some South Canadian businesses worried about the future, and whether or not they will be able to remain viable.
“Honestly, I’m not surprised,” said the owner of Blue Seal Feeds, which sells animal feed to South Canadian residents. “I knew once the House passed it the Senate would too, seeing as how they’re the same folks. But I’m not made of dirt, you know? I’ve been shoveling out dirt around my store as much as I can to pay the workers, but two scoops? I’m worried about the foundation of my business. The actual foundation. We lose much more dirt and the building could come down.”
Some residents are pleased with the change, which now waits for a signature from President Charlene “Skunk” Bedard, saying that businesses should be investing more of the dirt they earn back into the business, shoring up the foundations for future generations. “People are paying for the feed, right?” asked one resident. “Where’s that dirt going? Why isn’t that the dirt being used to pay the workers? If Blue Seal is digging up half the lawn just to pay employees, something’s wrong there.”
A higher minimum wage also brings fear of inflation and rising prices. With currency based on a finite resource there is always a chance it could eventually run out, especially in a nation as tiny as South Canada. At least one resident has received a citation for reaching through the border wall-fence and scooping out some dirt from the United States. If dirt inflation continues, incidents such as these may rise. South Canadian Secretary of the Treasury Alan Fletcher had no comment, saying only that he is tired of public attention at the moment, and would we please stop bothering him.
The higher minimum wage will go into effect July 1st, pending the signature of President Bedard.