Trump Fires Vermont Poet Laureate Chard deNiord, Replaces Him with NRA Spokeswoman Dana Loesch

WESTMINSTER – In a shocking and possibly illegal move, U.S. President Donald Trump has declared the firing of current Vermont poet laureate Chard deNiord, and has appointed in his place NRA Spokesman Dana Loesch. DeNiord was appointed by then-governor Peter Shumlin in 2015, and the poet’s term was expected to last until 2019. Current VT Governor Phil Scott has said that the president has no power to fire state-appointed poets, however the White House has made it very clear that states only have rights when it suits the president.

“Look, people, it’s very simple,” President Trump said to press this week. “April is national poetry month, that’s what my phone told me, and Vermont needs a better poet up there. Someone more American, am I right? Who is this Chard fellow? I don’t know, he sounds Swiss to me. Is he Swiss? I don’t know if he’s Swiss, but I heard recently, someone said he sounded Swiss. Don’t remember who it was that just said that, but I believe them.

And I’d take the job myself, because you know I have the best words, but I am very, very busy. Being president is a lot more time consuming than I was told, and I don’t have time to write as much poetry as I used to. But Dana, she’s going to do a great job. She has good words. Not as good as mine, you know that, but good words. She’s going to be terrific. Have you heard her? Very smart lady, very sexy, very attractive with her words. Huge words. Love those words.”

Loesch has already submitted one lengthy poem entitled “The Cat and the Gat,” which tells the story of a Civil War-era cat who invents the Gatling Gun, the precursor to the modern machine gun. Gov. Scott has refused to read the poem, and continues to insist that deNiord is still the state’s poet laureate. Loesch fired back online with a haiku that reads:

Don’t mess with me Phil.
Everyone knows where you live.
Your time might be up.

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