MONTEPELIER – The results are in, and now-Governor-elect Vladimir Putin has won Vermont’s gubernatorial election by over 42 percentage points. Putin took the race with 69.2% of the vote, while 2nd-place finisher Dmitry Medvedev took home only 26.8% of the vote.
“Wow,” said one Vermonter, “I didn’t even know we were voting for governor yesterday. I don’t remember seeing that question on the ballot, but if the computer says I voted for him, I guess I probably did. Funny that Phil Scott wasn’t running for re-election though, I did like him.”
Voter turnout was strong this year, with Vermonters rushing to the polls to support an environmental statement by 350.org, to say a loud “YES” to the question of having no F-35s, and to elect a swath of new leaders, including Putin. Though no hand-counted ballots appear to have Putin’s name as an option, or even an option to vote for governor at all, election officials have certified the results as accurate.
“Results is good,” said Burlington election inspector Alexei Petrov. “We check many times the results. Is always good. Putin is win. Now go to your American home and is asking no more questions.” Petrov was appointed inspector of elections after the sudden resignation of the previous inspector, which was an oddly familiar story across the state last week. When asked why the former inspector had resigned, Petrov said only that she was “in Mexico,” and was “not coming back.”
Putin accepted the position gladly, stating that it would be in no way a conflict of interest with his other job as President of the Russian Federation, and that he expected to win many other governorships in the months and years to come.