Gov. Scott Celebrates MLK Day By Announcing a New Prison

MONTPELIER – We wish this were a satire article. We really do. But it is not. This one really happened. On a day dedicated to a man who gave his life fighting for equality, the governor of Vermont announced that he was building a giant mega-prison which, statistically speaking, will one day house a disproportionate number of African-American citizens.

We wish we could make up headlines as insanely ridiculous as this, but we can’t. We would have printed something silly like “Bernie Sanders Meets Secretly with Donald Trump and the Two Become Best Friends.” We might have written a story about Ben & Jerry’s new MLK-themed flavor, “Ice Have a Cream.” You know, something stupid. Never in our wildest dreams could we have come up with satire as perfect as the governor announcing a new prison on MLK Day.

Why was he even at work? Wasn’t it a state holiday? Why was he giving statements to the press about new prisons? Shouldn’t he have been at home tweeting out inspirational quotes with his family? When you think about it, it’s really just not a believable story. Someone forgot to fact check this thing. And yet, it is fact. If it weren’t true it would be hilarious! This is what we hope most people say about our articles. “Oh, it’s not true? Well then, it’s kind of funny.” But this one is true. Maybe it will be funny later?

Look, we’re sorry about this. I know we’re supposed to make up exaggerated fake stories to make some sort of point, but the real news is just becoming too absurd. What are we supposed to do in this situation? What could we possibly fabricate that would be more insane than a state governor doubling down on one of the worst systems of racial injustice on the day we remember Martin Luther King, Jr.? And even worse, it kind of makes yesterday’s post less satirical and more real as well.

Sorry folks. We’ll try to do better tomorrow.

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3 Comments

  1. It strikes me that this is a very inflammatory article. Nasty language, innuendo, and the general anger that is so popular now in Trump America being used here in the Green Mountain state where we actually are all neighbors. No, Phil Scott is not evil. There are currently VT prisoners serving in private out-of-state jails. There are huge issues around our penal problems, and I give the guy HUGE credit for going against his own party to legalize pot. The screeching of the far-left regarding this proposal, so far, lacks any awareness of the status quo where we have non-profits managing mental health, and they have far less oversight than any private prison. We have the afore-mentiioned population. We have poor facilities spread around the state. Is this what we’re screeching to defend?!

    • There are huge problems with the system, to be sure. Just struck us as kind of tone deaf (regardless of which agency required the date) to announce a new prison on that particular day. We are all for fixes to the system, and kudos to anyone trying their best. But wow, what a great satire headline… that wasn’t satire.

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