Vermont Moves to Deregulate Highways

WATERBURY – In a move to woo the support of the state’s libertarians and teenage drivers, VT. Secretary of Transportation has announced the deregulation of Vermont’s highways. “This action is consistent with the Trump administration’s policies of deregulation at the national level,” Sec. Joe Flynn said at a special news conference in Waterbury earlier this week. “But we are going to do it gradually.”

People who stand to lose their jobs at the Dept. of Transportation say this is a blatantly aggressive policy aimed at keeping wildlife and pedestrians off the roadways. “First it will be the state highways,” said employee Joline on condition that only her first name be used. “Then it will be municipalities. Imagine Shelburne Road or the corner of Main and Prospect in Burlington at rush hour. It will be chaos!”

Barre mayor Thom Lauzon is in favor of the plan. “Bring it on,” he said. “Following our president’s lead, Secretary Flynn is tapping into Vermonters’ frustration with too much regulation. Besides, we have a governor who drives race cars – let’s bring some speed and excitement back to all our streets.”

Thomas Jacobs, chair of Bennington’s Select Board is less enthusiastic. “This is inviting real trouble,” he said, pointing to the Battle of Bennington monument. “New Yorkers live just a few miles from here. They are mad as hell that we have this statue. I’m afraid they will use this crazy idea to justify ramming into our monument. They’ve been threatening for years to take it down out of spite.”

The policy is scheduled to be introduced on state highways in the Northeast Kingdom, starting in January. “If we won’t put limits on people who are mentally ill from purchasing firearms,” said Flynn, “I don’t see why folks shouldn’t be allowed to drive on whatever side of the road they want.”

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