Burlington Cyclists Finally Overtake Drivers as Biggest Jerks On Road

BURLINGTON – Ever since Karl Benz drove the first automobile onto the roads in 1885, car drivers have been the biggest jackasses on wheels. But things have changed in Burlington, VT, where bicycle riders have finally taken the title for themselves after decades of suffering as second-class jerks.

“I don’t know,” rebutted local driver Ed Quick, “I think we car drivers are still worse. I haven’t obeyed a speed limit sign in years, even in construction zones, and cars killed like 40,000 people last year. We invented the term ‘road rage!’ I don’t see how bikes are even in the competition at all, honestly.”

But Burlington cyclists tell another story. We caught up with bike commuter Jason Downe, who responded to Quick’s comments. “Yeah, cars kill more people, but we’re not talking about who’s more deadly. We’re talking which group is full of straight up a-holes, and we bikers have you beat, hands down. You run us off the road? We run pedestrians off the road and the sidewalk! We ignore traffic laws when we feel like it, except when it is annoying and inconvenient for everyone else. We cut through people’s lawns, run stop signs, ignore speed limits entirely, and to top it all off we have developed an air of condescension and defensive prickishness that we use to deflect any criticism back onto motorists. You want arrogance? I don’t think anyone could be worse than us!”

“I don’t think so,” Quick replied. “We’ve got loud angry horns that we use for no reason, we park badly, ruining everyone’s day, and we pollute the crap out of the planet while we do it. We suck! You tell those bikers that they are not taking this from us!”

While both groups do have valid points, the statistics show that, for the first half of 2017, bicyclists were the bigger jerks by a slim 3% margin. Whether the bikers can hold onto the lead remains to be seen, as there will be fewer opportunities for them to be terrible once the winter weather begins to arrive.

Image Credits: Rob Friesel.

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