WINOOSKI – What began as a protest and lobby by local cows singling out Ben & Jerry’s ice cream for a boycott to call attention to spurious Wi-Fi interference involving milking machines has now spread to the far-flung corners of Vermont. The leader of the original protest, who has assumed the role of the official spokesperson for Vermont’s entire bovine community, confirmed the escalation in an early-morning interview.
“Indeed, it’s now a state-wide moooovement,” she said, proudly from a milk-shed inShelburne. “And I’m working on recruiting udder supporters from New Hampshire and New York, as we speak.”
The Holstein activist, who goes by the name of Gertie, is originally from Maine. She has a record as a known fencer, having crossed over two state lines, into Vermont. When she was pressed by a reporter from The Winooski for more details about her spotty background, she became noticeably prickly. “It’s just Gertie,” she snapped, when asked about her last name. “Like Cher and Adele and Sting! Get it!?
While overall support for the cows’ protest appears to be growing, the call for a state-wide ice cream boycott is meeting with resistance in some parts of Vermont, however.
Daniel Garvin, nineteen, from Highgate Springs was unequivocal when asked if he would get behind the boycott. “Go without ice cream? “I’d sooner stick needles in my eyes!”
James Parsifal, a college professor from Castleton, who was contacted by The Winooski, was also lukewarm on the idea. “Just can’t see it happening, old man,” he mused. ”That would be severe deprivation. I like it served with cherry cordial and a couple of sticks of dark chocolate.”
“Of course I’m sympathetic to the cows’ plight,” said Thelma Entwhistle, a nurse from North Bennington. “But it’s my seven-year-old son’s birthday party next week and I can’t see him and his friends going without ice cream. And then there’s Thanksgiving coming up…”
A Guernsey from a Richford dairy farm, who refused to give her name, was adamant however that the call for boycott was righteous and bawled loudly that the protests would continue until things changed for the better. She also had a message for the ice cream addicts who refused to support the cows.
“If any of them had been hooked up to that milking machine when it suddenly went completely berserk,” she snorted, “they’d soon change their tune!”