Dihydrogen Monoxide Contamination in Lake Champlain

COLCHESTER – A new study released this week confirms that Lake Champlain is severely contaminated with dihydrogen monoxide, and likely has been for some time. The survey of the water table found that every single river and stream in the Lake Champlain Watershed contained significant amounts of the compound, although when examining some dried up former stream beds there seemed to be no evidence of contamination detected.

Dihydrogen monoxide is considered a dangerous compound that can be lethal to humans in large quantities, especially when inhaled into the lungs. Researchers confirmed that the levels of dihydrogen monoxide found in Lake Champlain are more than enough to kill a human being, and had harsh words for the state regarding the lake’s safety.

“This has been going on for years,” lamented Colchester-based environmentalist Walter Mellon, “and no one has done a thing about it. Warning signs have been ignored, the public has been kept in the dark, and the levels continue to remain catastrophically high. At this point it may be too little, too late. There is so much dihydrogen monoxide in Lake Champlain that the only way it could get any worse is if it started falling from the sky.”

Calls to the Vermont Department of Health were not returned.

9 Comments

    • Actually, that one is even funnier than ours! You did see the date on that article you linked to, right? You do know what dihydro…nevermind. It’s not funny if you have to explain it.

  1. This is scary. I accidentally inhaled a small quantity DHMO a few weeks ago and it felt like my lungs were on fire. I choked and coughed for almost a minute. My knees were weak and I felt terrible. Plus, have you ever seen that this stuff does to metal? It breaks it down! This should be a wake-up call for all Vermonters.

  2. What I say is this: You can never be too careful! But, should you accidentally touch dihydrogen monoxide, the best thing is to flush the skin with cool water. Same if you get some in your eye. It’s a dangerous world out there.

  3. Rumor has it that the government is actually suppressing the severity of this contamination to avoid panic by those who often get panic-stricken by news containing scientific information which does not come from a source known for spreading fake news. What will these people do when they find out that rivers and streams that feed Lake Champlain, even those from their OWN cities and towns, ALSO are contaminated with dihydrogen monoxide? The HORROR!

  4. Kudos on this article and also on consistently maintaining your very clever, always entertaining and never offensive content. Always good for a chuckle and, quite often, a belly laugh. IMO, The Winooski is one of the best satire sites available on the Internet. Signed: Your Mother

    P.S. (just kidding about the Mother thing…)

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