BURLINGTON – According to leaked classified documents, the University of Vermont Medical Center may be announcing a collaboration between its Department of Ophthalmology and The White House Office of Communications. Sources in the government reveal some backroom finagling that has been going on since shortly after the inauguration of President Donald Trump.
The agreement calls for the development of a contact lens Mr. Trump would wear when visiting foreign countries, welcoming dignitaries at the White House, and any public speaking engagements. “We noticed how the president seemed to be much more presidential when reading
from a teleprompter,” said an anonymous source from the office of Sarah Huckabee Sanders. “The plan is to develop a lens Mr. Trump would wear which, when he shifted his gaze up and to the left, would have text printed for him to say.” Text would be written and scrolled remotely by White House speech writers. It is believed the lens would also automatically become shaded when exposed to sunlight.
UVM Medical Center was unavailable for official comment, but Dr. Elon Feranny, a second-tier eye surgeon at the hospital, made cash-register like sounds when asked by The Winooski about the veracity of the rumor. The Winooski also intercepted an email from the office of Senator Bernie Sanders suggesting there is broad bi-partisan congressional support for the project. As Congress considers the federal budget, an amount of $57 million is nested in the NIH proposal under the dubious category of “For His Eyes Only.”