Vermont to Provide Trump Administration with Vermonters’ Private Microwave Data

MONTPELIER – Vermont Secretary of State Jim Condos says that his office is legally bound to provide the Republican president’s Security and Protection Information Efficiency System (SPIES) with personal and sensitive data from all microwaves in the state.

Condos does not agree with the mission or the methods of SPIES, but says he has no choice but to release the data captured by Vermont microwaves to the federal government. SPIES has asked every state in the U.S. to provide the information picked up by microwave ovens to assist them in ferreting out threats to the president’s agenda

In a statement released on Friday, Condos called the efficiency system “a complete waste of time, money, energy, and wattage.” Condos also vowed to release as little data as possible, hoping only to submit “secret recordings that contain words on the FBI watch list, and not just anything that sounds aggressive, like possible sex noises.”

Vermonters had mixed reactions to the news, with one Wilmington resident saying “Our president is a respected businessman, and if he needs to hear what my microwave says to keep the terrorists out, go ahead and do. [SIC]” But one resident of Essex Junction has already put up a petition online asking Condos not to release the data. The petition is called “Keep 45’s Tiny Hands Off My Hot Pockets,” although it was not immediately clear if the petitioner knew in detail what SPIES was trying to obtain.

Despite extreme reactions in opposite directions, Condos will follow the letter of the law, while trying to maintain as much privacy as possible for those Vermonters who own microwave ovens and do not want the government in their hot pockets.

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