South Burlington Rebels Officially Become the Seahorses

SOUTH BURLINGTON – The Rebels are no more. The school board voted unanimously to change the controversial team name on Wednesday night, replacing the longstanding “Rebels” with the “Seahorses.” This move was seen as controversial, not just because of the weird and, frankly, inappropriate fascination that many alumni have with the Rebel name, but also because the Seahorses are the team name of South Burlington’s closest rivals, the Burlington Seahorses.

“I don’t think there’s going to be any confusion,” stated SBHS principal Pat Burke. “We almost changed the name to the ‘Wolves’ and there is already a team called the ‘Wolves’ at Peoples Academy in Morrisville. There are only so many animals to choose from. Do people get confused about the Red Sox and the White Sox? Do people get confused about the New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants? No. We’ll be just fine. This area is big enough for more than one seahorse.”

The South Burlington school budget finally passed on Tuesday in a third attempt, but with no funds designated for the name change. “That definitely played a part in our decision,” said Elizabeth Fitzgerald, chair of the South Burlington school board. “We were lucky enough to have BHS order drastically too many uniforms last year. People are fleeing that school district like the plague. And they were kind enough to donate their extra supplies to us. So the whole school board is going to take some fabric markers this summer and simply write ‘south’ on everything, saving us hundreds of thousands of dollars.” Fitzgerald encourages community members who are interested in helping write the word “south” on old BHS uniforms to contact her directly.

We approached Jim Vicious, leader of oppositional group “Rebels WTF,” for his opinion on the new name, but he was seen outside the school gnawing angrily on a stick and was unavailable for comment.

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