COLCHESTER – In a highly controversial move, state authorities drained Lake Champlain on Friday morning and re-filled it with expensive bottles of Champagne to commemorate the 240th anniversary of the naming of Vermont. Vermont became formally known by its current name on June 2, 1777, exactly 240 years ago last Friday. Before that date it had been known as “New Connecticut.”
Dubbed “Lake Champagne” by a clearly tipsy Lieutenant Governor Zuckerman, the cost of the body of former water is estimated at $1,000,000,000,000,000 (one quadrillion dollars). This estimate comes from the lake’s 25.8 cubic km volume, divided by a standard 750 ml bottle of bubbly, and then multiplied by $30 per bottle, although Zuckerman claims to have purchased the alcohol at Costco for only $20 per bottle, which would bring the cost down to only $688 trillion. As the liquid was pumped in via large hoses at the boat ramp in Billado Park, no labels were apparent for confirmation of this claim, nor were any receipts shown when asked.
In addition to the cost, there have been multiple concerns from the over 200,000 Vermonters who get their drinking water from the lake. Many parents have complained about their children turning on the taps to find expensive alcohol from a specific region of France pouring out into their sippy cups. Although to be fair, there have been a fair number of excited supporters as well, happily bathing in their new lake water.
The state has assured us that they have no plans to continue this project, and that over time the water cycle will return the lake to its previous composition. They advise those with serious complaints to drink quickly and pray for rain.